Wednesday, November 30, 2011

And another month gone...

Goodness. I'm not too good at keeping up with this whole blog thing, am I?

Well since my last post, AF came, and I decided to take a break from the Clomid. DH and I discussed it, and he would really say either way what he wanted me to do. I just couldn't handle the expectation of getting pregnant that the clomid brought with it. Most women who get pregnant from it do so in their first 3 ovulatory months, and I didn't.

We are moving out of state in a month, so preparations for that should distract me a little anyway. There were so many reasons that I chose to drop down to NTNP (with irregular cycles I don't think you can actually try like normal...), but now that I am at CD25 and haven't ovulated yet, I question my decision. If I'd done the clomid, I would be 7-8 dpo already. *sigh*

DH and I had a little chat the other day. I don't think he understands how hard this really is on me. He wants it as much as I do, but since everything is fine with him (as far as we know, he's never been tested) he doesn't feel broken. He doesn't feel incomplete. He doesn't get how or why I get so sad over it without warning. And I do try very hard to overcome those things. If we never have children, I don't want to reach the end of my life and see how unfulfilled and unhappy I was because I was so hung up on this.

DH thinks he can make it all better by telling me about his neighbor who "couldn't" have kids, and then ended up pregnant at 37. 37!!!! I'm not knocking older mom's at all, but I'm only 22 right now. That's 15 years. I don't think I can hope for 15 years. Not that we would ever start preventing, but seriously... I don't even think I can hope for 5 years. I'm just now entering the 2nd half of my 2nd year of trying, and it's torture.

Every day that I am infertile just seems to make it more of a challenge to overcome feelings of jealousy and bitterness. And I do NOT want to become that woman who can't ever be happy for anyone because of her own trials. I think that women who let those feelings consume them are toxic people; they just want to spread their own misery to the rest of the world. But at the same time, I can't deny that those feelings bombard me, some days more than others. Recently, I found out my old lab partner is pregnant. She got married about 2 weeks before me, and went to med school after we graduated. I'm pretty sure at that point she wanted to get through med school before babies happened, but now she's dropped out and is pregnant with a little girl. Before that, I found out another couple is pregnant that last I knew didn't even want children!

I even start feeling panicked because my best friend's little girl (also a surprise baby!) is over 6 months now. I don't know exactly what kind of spacing they want, but I would imagine they will start trying in 2012 sometime. My sister will have been married 1 year in May, and right now that's when she wants to start trying (though her DH would love to start now!). I'm just so afraid that they will get PG before me, and I won't be able to be happy for them. I desperately want to, but I don't know how to get to that point. I mean, I guess I know I'd be happy for them anyway, but I want to not be sad for myself at the same time.

Really though, the only way I will make it through infertility is through God's grace. I don't know why I am the one who has to go on this journey, but I would rather me be the one going through it than any of my family and friends. Just taking it one day at a time for now though...