since my last post. And what an emotional week. Thursday, Aug 18, 2011 -- the day after my last post -- AF showed up. And it was hard. It was really, really hard. Even though I've been trying to grow my faith through all of this, it just seemed like everything came crashing down. By Thursday morning, when AF didn't show, I really began to believe that I could be pregnant. I was 15 days past ovulation. It didn't even show up until late afternoon.
I think I get this idea in my head, that if I can just get to that point in my faith where I am "okay" with God's will, that He will reward me with what I want. Then when I don't get it, I feel let down and struggle with how I even got to that place. That's ridiculous. It's like a kid telling it's parent they will be okay with either cookies or veggies as a snack, and then screaming their head off when they're given broccoli. If I'm trusting God's will for my life, then I have to trust it whether I get triple-chunk brownies or carrot sticks.
Cycles like that scare me though, they really do. I'm CD7 on my next cycle of clomid (100mg, CD4-8). Will I be able to jump in head first again? Will I be able to believe this could be it? I BELIEVED I would get pregnant way before now. I HOPED, and towards the end, BELIEVED that I could actually get pregnant my first cycle of clomid. Will I be able to believe again this cycle? Or will I revert back to being a doubting Thomas, needing to feel the wounds in His hands for my faith to truly begin?
Warning: Pity Party Below
On top of all of it, I feel like I'm being punished somehow by having to have a job. This is ridiculous, I know, but when DH and I got married the plan was for me to work part-time until we had kids, then be a stay at home wife and mother. Instead, DH had back surgery, couldn't find a job, and I got a full-time job. He only got a full time job in August. I beg him to let me quit mine. To let me stay at home. And I guess, overall, if I did it, he couldn't stop me. But I know it IS best that I continue working for a little bit. We would survive on his income much better than we ever survived on mine, but it would be nice to boost our savings for a few more months, put some money away in our retirement fund, and save up for that little baby! :)
But still... I can't help wishing every day that I was at home. I'm really not that great of a worker now, not nearly as good as when I first got here. I've gotten comfortable and lax, and it's just not good. I KNOW I need to be a better worker, but most of the time it seems like I just can't make myself. I sit here and think of my best friend, who's never had a job her entired married life, and is now a stay-at-home wife AND mommy. Even when their money has been tight and they've been dealing with unemployment, I don't think she's ever looked for a job. Her husband doesn't want her to work, and she's okay with that. I also think about my sister, who does have a job, but her husband could care less if she worked or not. If she went home and said "I don't feel like going to work anymore, I'm going to put in my 2 weeks notice," he'd probably say "okay" and that would be the end of that. I feel cheated, and sometimes I feel lied to. Before we got married he said he wanted me to be a SAHW, or at least only work part-time... and here I am putting in my 40 hrs every week. My house is a wreck, I sleep a bunch on the weekends because I'm so exhausted, and by the time I see my friends for a few hours it's time to go back to work!
I really need to stop throwing myself a pity party. This is definitely not the life I dreamt about, but it IS the life I chose when I said "I do" 2 years ago. In some ways, it's harder than I ever thought it would be. But it's also an amazing journey with an amazing man. And if I had to do it all over again, I would still say "I do." I can't wait to spend the rest of our lives together!