Wednesday, August 24, 2011

It's been a week

since my last post. And what an emotional week. Thursday, Aug 18, 2011 -- the day after my last post -- AF showed up. And it was hard. It was really, really hard. Even though I've been trying to grow my faith through all of this, it just seemed like everything came crashing down. By Thursday morning, when AF didn't show, I really began to believe that I could be pregnant. I was 15 days past ovulation. It didn't even show up until late afternoon.

I think I get this idea in my head, that if I can just get to that point in my faith where I am "okay" with God's will, that He will reward me with what I want. Then when I don't get it, I feel let down and struggle with how I even got to that place. That's ridiculous. It's like a kid telling it's parent they will be okay with either cookies or veggies as a snack, and then screaming their head off when they're given broccoli. If I'm trusting God's will for my life, then I have to trust it whether I get triple-chunk brownies or carrot sticks.

Cycles like that scare me though, they really do. I'm CD7 on my next cycle of clomid (100mg, CD4-8). Will I be able to jump in head first again? Will I be able to believe this could be it? I BELIEVED I would get pregnant way before now. I HOPED, and towards the end, BELIEVED that I could actually get pregnant my first cycle of clomid. Will I be able to believe again this cycle? Or will I revert back to being a doubting Thomas, needing to feel the wounds in His hands for my faith to truly begin?

Warning: Pity Party Below

On top of all of it, I feel like I'm being punished somehow by having to have a job. This is ridiculous, I know, but when DH and I got married the plan was for me to work part-time until we had kids, then be a stay at home wife and mother. Instead, DH had back surgery, couldn't find a job, and I got a full-time job. He only got a full time job in August. I beg him to let me quit mine. To let me stay at home. And I guess, overall, if I did it, he couldn't stop me. But I know it IS best that I continue working for a little bit. We would survive on his income much better than we ever survived on mine, but it would be nice to boost our savings for a few more months, put some money away in our retirement fund, and save up for that little baby! :)

But still... I can't help wishing every day that I was at home. I'm really not that great of a worker now, not nearly as good as when I first got here. I've gotten comfortable and lax, and it's just not good. I KNOW I need to be a better worker, but most of the time it seems like I just can't make myself. I sit here and think of my best friend, who's never had a job her entired married life, and is now a stay-at-home wife AND mommy. Even when their money has been tight and they've been dealing with unemployment, I don't think she's ever looked for a job. Her husband doesn't want her to work, and she's okay with that. I also think about my sister, who does have a job, but her husband could care less if she worked or not. If she went home and said "I don't feel like going to work anymore, I'm going to put in my 2 weeks notice," he'd probably say "okay" and that would be the end of that. I feel cheated, and sometimes I feel lied to. Before we got married he said he wanted me to be a SAHW, or at least only work part-time... and here I am putting in my 40 hrs every week. My house is a wreck, I sleep a bunch on the weekends because I'm so exhausted, and by the time I see my friends for a few hours it's time to go back to work!


I really need to stop throwing myself a pity party. This is definitely not the life I dreamt about, but it IS the life I chose when I said "I do" 2 years ago. In some ways, it's harder than I ever thought it would be. But it's also an amazing journey with an amazing man. And if I had to do it all over again, I would still say "I do." I can't wait to spend the rest of our lives together!

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

"One thing have I desired..."

In Psalm 27:4, David wrote:

"One thing have I desired of the Lord, that will I seek after; that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to behold the beauty of the Lord, and to enquire in His temple."

Last night, at my church's revival meeting, the first preacher used that is one of his verses. He was talking about how, when we first enter into a relationship with Christ, it is a need based movement. We NEED a Saviour. We NEED Him to come to our aid, our rescue. But our relationship cannot always be need based; it needs to move towards being a desire based relationship.

For example: When you have a child, that baby is at first so dependent on you. You may have a desire to spend time with that child, but at first the child can only take, and never give anything back. As the child develops, and that relationship is established, a desire builds on the part of the child as well. Even young babies can begin to recognize their mothers, and smile and coo because they are happy to see them. Children will always need something from their parents, but really, as the children become independent adults, they spend time with their parents because they want to (for the most part... some people never stop leeching off of their parents).

It's a very natural process to go from a need based to a desire based relationship. But so often Christians, including myself, get stuck in the need based part of our relationship with God. Every time we talk to Him, we are asking Him for more and more things. "God, my husband needs a job," "Please provide a new place for us to live," "More than anything, Lord, I want a baby." There are the kinds of things that have come out of my heart recently. After 18 years of being a child of God, I feel like I've never moved past the infant stage. Recently, I've been yearning so much to find a way to go home. I haven't been there in almost 2 years. There is so much desire there. I don't NEED to go home, but I deeply long for it.

I want to be like the Psalmist. I want to deeply desire God's presence, not just what presents I think He should give me! He's not a genie in a bottle, and He's not Santa Claus.

I go for a doctor's appointment in less than an hour. I know that no matter the outcome, if AF comes today or tomorrow or not for another 9 months, God will be with me. I will see His presence and His will, not my own.

Monday, August 15, 2011

2 years ago today...

DH and I got hitched! :)

I was really hoping for a BFP today, it would have been a fabulous anniversary gift. But it was a BFN when I tested this morning. Cervix is medium/low and soft... still don't have the open/closed thing figured out.

I'm ok with the BFN. I realize there is still time, but I haven't felt like this will be my month the entire TWW. Going to the doctor on Wednesday to see where we go from here!

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

So I'm not so good at keeping this whole blog thing updated. The only time I really have to update is while I'm at work, and technically I should be working at the time... right? ;)

According to my fertilityfriend.com chart, I am now 7dpo. I got my blood drawn 2 days ago, at 5dpo. Mind you that fertilityfriend first said my ovulation day was CD15, then CD16, then CD17. So any of those are really a possibility. I do expect a positive outcome on the bloodwork though (at least confirmation of ovulation -- whether the levels themselves are normal or low, I have no clue). Since I am charting basal body temperature, I am 100% sure that I ovulated.

I go back on Wednesday, the 17th to talk to my doctor about the results, and also get my annual "well woman" exam. Yuck. I plan on testing on the 15th (12dpo) as it's our 2nd wedding anniversary, and it'd be a great surprise! :) So I'm hoping I go on the 17th with a bfp :). I have no clue how long my luteal phase is though, so I don't know what day is considered "late" for me. My only other cycle that I ovulated on had either a 5 or 8 day LP (ff says 5), which is way too short to get pregnant. I have been taking a B50 complex for about 5 months though now, so I'm hoping it helped my luteal phase.

Good grief I am so long winded!

Thursday, August 4, 2011

I have a confession...

...so when I've been using the ovulation predictor tests, I haven't been waiting the recommended time limit before reading them. You're supposed to wait 5 minutes, but usually I wait a max of about 2 (sometimes less!), look at it, and the control line is SOOO much darker than the test line, I just figure there's no way it could be positive, and throw it out. Well, last night, around 7 p.m., I took one, and waited the full 5 minutes. It was ALMOST positive! I'm pretty sure I was catching my surge on the way back down though, as this morning my temp was up. Fertilityfriend.com shows me ovulating on CD15 based on my temps, but I think it was actually CD17. Mostly because on CD15 and CD16, there is not a significant rise, and we usually use 2 fans but one was broken those nights. Actually it was broken last night too, but I would consider my temp today a more significant rise. Oh well, I won't know for sure until a few more mornings of temping, and my bloodwork on Monday should confirm it if I really ovulate... but I'm feeling really positive about it!

Speaking of being positive about things, yesterday I was listening to KLOVE radio. Lysa TerKeurst from Proverbs 31 Ministries (proverbs31.org) was talking about how children always seem to want what they want, when and how they want it. And sometimes that isn't what's best for them. We do the same thing with God. We get in our head that we want something NOW, and forget to wait on His perfect timing. It really made me think about stuff, because I think that's what I've been like with this pregnancy thing. Even with the clomid. I'm seriously like "we NEED to get pregnant THIS month", because after that I don't know how we're going to get any kind of insurance to pay for anything. But if I'm trusting God to provide, then if He gives us a child/children, I know He will cover the expenses in some way. I need to trust His timing, instead of relying on my limited experience and thought processes and obsess over my own desires.

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Blessings

I've been pretty down in the dumps the last couple of days. Today is CD16, and no sign of ovulation yet. My temp was up a little bit this morning, but one of our fans stopped working last night so I think it is due to that. I did spot a little bit of EWCM this morning when I checked my cervix, but then later when I checked I just got watery CM. And that's kind of how the last couple of days have been. I'll have signs of ovulation, like a high cervix (yesterday it was softer too...), or very mild cramping feelings, but no temp confirmation, and nothing close to a positive OPT. I was really starting to get stressed about it, but then I would feel guilty because the stress might delay ovulation and it might just be a vicious cycle. That would stress me out more. Lol.

This morning though, as I was checking my cervix, I realized that I should be focusing on the postives. Here are some ways in which I have been blessed:

I may not ovulate this month, but I am taking steps towards pregnancy and focusing on fixing my fertility issues.
I have the resources to move forward with things. And when I don't, God provides. Yesterday I found out that the hospital wrote off the $700+ bill for my first round of bloodwork. I go on the 8th for more, and they will cover that as well.
We (DH and I) are now a two full-income family. That is not our long-term plan, but it is a blessing right now as we can save more money in preparation for our plans for a family. Sometimes though, I need a reminder that my job is a blessing ;)
I am alive in the 21st century. 100 years ago, I wouldn't have nearly as many options to deal with my infertility. Now, more than ever, infertile women have increased chances of carrying their own child to term.
Not only am I alive in the 21st century, but I am in a highly devoloped country. I have access to good medical care, good nutrition, clean water, and as much information as I can absorb as I pursue a healthy pregancy.
I've never had a miscarriage that I know of. This may change one day, and if it does, I pray I can see God's plan and purpose in it. But for now, I am blessed to have never gone through that pain. Not being able to get pregnant is a struggle in and of itself. If I knew I could GET pregnant, but was struggling to carry a child to full term it would be that much harder.

This is just a short list of blessings. I'm blessed in so many more ways... more than I can count. But in learning to be content, I need to focus on what I have been blessed with instead of taking it for granted and always wanting more!