Wednesday, July 6, 2011

The reason for this blog

Beginning is the hardest part. Beginning this post, which is the beginning of this blog, and that, in turn, is the beginning of this journey. Taking that first step down a path with an uncertain destination, but knowing if you never begin the certainties that await you are undesirable at best. In this case, the beginning is admitting to myself that I need help as far as my reproductive system goes. Admitting that all the self-research and self-medicating is not moving me forward. Admitting that all I've done so far is obsess over what I feel I should able to accomplish alone.

My walk as a Christian is shaky and inconsistent, but I am trying to change my habits to reflect a Godly relationship with my Saviour. In that, I'm having to take that first step, that leap of faith and stop relying on what I can do for myself as far as my fertility goes. It's not in my hands. Does that mean I won't go to a doctor and try to get medical help? No. I truly believe that God gave humans the intelligence to discover how His creation functions. But even going to a doctor is a leap of faith for me. Starting this journal is another. Both are part of a greater acknowledgement of my own imperfections, and discovering how to be content in all things.

I think I have always know that I would struggle with having children. I always wanted to adopt, and even before my body physically matured, I asked my mom if she would surrogate for me if I was never able to have my own kids. Maybe that is a normal question for a little girl, but now it only strikes me as odd.

Once I hit puberty, my fears heightened. You see, there's a cycle that a woman's body has to go through in order to be able to reproduce. Mine doesn't really do it. Sure, every once in a while, when it feels like it, usually at the most inconvenient times for me (first day at a new job anyone?). But for the most part, my body has never worked the way most people's does. I don't even get sick the same way most people to. I feel like I'm always part of the 0.00001% of the population that will get the same virus as everyone else but it manifests in the most obscure ways. Anyway, I'm headed to a new doctor on Friday to get all checked out. Again. I'm hoping that she will take me seriously. The last doctor I had been going to (over a year ago) was pretty awful. For example: they recorded my blood pressure when they didn't even take it. So why should I trust them with my uterus???

All that being said, I am holding onto the promise of Psalm 113:9. I believe that I will one day be the joyful mother of children. And it may be through adoption instead of through more natural means. I'm perfectly fine with that. If my husband and I were a little older (most countries have age requirements) I would possibly pursue that and forget all this medical junk. I think one day my husband and I will pursue adoption regardless of whether we have biological children or not. While this journey has an uncertain destination, I highly prefer it to the certainty of relying solely on myself.

But, until then, I'm just the barren woman.

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