Friday, July 29, 2011


And hoping ovulation comes soon! I checked my cervix position yesterday and today and both times it seemed way up there, but also hard, not soft. So I dunno what that really means. Kinda water CM for now.

I've been temping but no ovulation yet. It's still pretty early though to ovulate. Why does time seem to fly so quickly in some ways, but drag on in others? It seems like ovulation and stuff will NEVER happen... but soon I know it will be over and then the TWW begins... Eeek!

Not too much to update. I've never been one to have many symptoms of anything, except for moodiness. Then I just go eat more chocolate :)

P.S. have you done your web search today and won some swagbucks? I've redeemed $25 so far in Swagbucks, and have almost another $40 in my account! If this is my month, that's all going towards baby stuff!!

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Deep thoughts lately...

Last weekend, the dear husband and I travelled over 10 hrs (each way) to go to a friend's wedding. I happened to have family in the area, so we went a few days early so we could get a chance to see everyone and catch up. We stayed with one of my uncles. He is not related to me by blood, but by marriage. But my aunt passed away this past spring. We were supposed to be staying with BOTH of them :/

Anyway, they were never able to have children. Actually, that is one of the reasons I am afraid I will never bear my own children, as I was related by blood to my aunt, and she had hyperplasia and other problems that contributed to her infertility. They tried to adopt several times, but it always fell through. For whatever reason, it was not in God's plan for them to have kids.

Being at their house, and reflecting on their life together... they were so content. I am sure there were times when the infertility/children issue became a very stressful thing for them, but at least later in their life they seemed content with the blessings they had. They didn't even have any pets as children (as many people do), and basically just decided to love on all of their nieces and nephews as if they were their own.

Thinking about all of this brought me to a place of reflection in my own life. I do think that God has given my husband and I a desire for children, and that He will give them to us one day, whether by adoption or birth. But my aunt and uncle probably thought the same thing at one point.

Will I be content if I never get pregnant? If we never adopt? If I never have the pitter patter of little feet and melody of childish giggles in my home? I think I need to be in that place of contentment. It's not that I'm resigning myself to it or anything, but I really feel that I need to be content with where I am and what I have NOW, instead of being so obsessed with where I want to be, and what I want to have. If clomid works extra well, and I end up with multiples, I should be content. If I end up with one, I should be content. If it doesn't work at all, and I am barren for another length of time, I should be content.

This doesn't mean I'm going to stop trying or stop blogging about it. I just think it's important that I learn to count the blessings that I have, and be content no matter where God leads us.

It feels like forever...

...since I last posted. It was just one week ago, and I HAVE updated my journal on periodically since then. I just haven't felt like I had the time for a full-scale update. Well that, and I didn't have internet access for basically 5 days because of travelling.

I did end up counting Monday as CD1, and starting the clomiphene on Thursday night. Last night (Monday, 7/25/11) was my last day of it. So here starts the waiting game for ovulation. I have tried a couple of opks already just to get used to what they look like and stuff.

I didn't have any noticeable sympoms from the clomiphene, except maybe a little **cough** dryness **cough**. It was kind of surprising to not have any symptoms, but very welcome. I'm just hoping it still works!

P.S. If we conceived this cycle, my due date would be April 23, 2012. Crazy.

P.P.S. Remember a few posts ago I wrote about Swagbucks? It really is an easy and great way to earn some extra cash for anything! [Baby stuff?? :)] I've earned about $55 worth so far! Just click here to sign up, and start searching the web and winning! You can also play games, shop, and more! Most of us goof off a little bit on the computer each day anyway... why not earn cash while you're at it?

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

It all seems very surreal

My basal body temperature was down this morning, an almost sure sign that Aunt Flo has moved in for the week. I'll have to call the doctor's office today to schedule my CD21 bloodwork. I'll start Clomid on Thursday, I guess. I haven't quite decided whether or not yesterday was CD1, but I guess I'll have to make up my mind soon! There is a little bit of a variable of when you can take it anyway, so even if Thursday is really CD3, or Friday is really CD5, I should be okay. I will ask when I call the doctor's office today.

In reference to the title... I just can't believe this is all finally happen. Even if this round of clomid doesn't work, I'm finally taking steps forward to get my body on the right track. I didn't think it would be this easy... but then again, maybe it's just a different kind of hard.

Monday, July 18, 2011

I wish I may, I wish I might...

Get a visit from Aunt Flo tonight! Here's to hoping :)

I've had a few signs throughout the day that she is on her way... going to go drink some parsley tea to try to help kick start it! I really want a strong start so I can pinpoint when CD1 is. I tried parsley tea a few weeks ago (before the progesterone), but it didn't work then. But my mom drank some at the same time and it worked for her! Too bad she was taking it for the other health benefits and was not planning on AF showing up! Hehe

Yay yay yay! Things are moving forward!

The waiting game begins

Well last night I finished up the prometrium, so now I just have to wait for AF to begin so I can move forward with other things. It really is just a waiting game though: Wait for AF, Wait for CD4 to start Clomid, Wait for Ovulation, Wait for CD21 bloodwork, Wait for the results of said bloodwork, Wait for either a Big Fat Positive or for AF to show her not-so-lovely face again. So much waiting, so little patience.

I do think though, that splitting into these little chunks will make it seem faster overall. I mean, the prometrium seemed like it would take forever. Now that I'm done though, 10 days didn't seem that long at all. The largest block of waiting I should have now is about 7 days. I can handle 7 days. I think.

Saturday, July 16, 2011

I mentioned in my last post...

About when I become a stay-at-home wife/mother, I plan on pursuing things to bring in a little extra income for us. I obviously don't have a newborn yet, but hopefully I'd be able to at least spend 15 minutes or so every day to do SOMETHING.

I'm already doing a little bit of something though. It's called Swagbucks. I figured if I start small things now, before I am pregnant, I can bring in income to put towards TTC stuff (like OPKs or supplements) or baby stuff.

A brief overview of how it works, is you do different things to earn Swagbucks. You can do web searches, daily polls, play games, watch Swagbucks TV, and more! Those are the 4 things I do most ;). You then redeem those Swagbucks for prizes. The prize I redeem most is a $5 gift card (450 Swagbucks). They also have gift cards for, and for non-U.S. users :).

Anyway, if you want click on the referral link/picture below to get started and start earning your own Swagbucks! I will win 1 Swagbuck for every 1 that you win on the search engine, up to 1000, if you sign up under me. You can then invite some of your friends to sign up and earn under your referral! What an easy way to save up a little bit of $$$ for this insane journey to becoming a mommy :)

Search & Win

Criteria for a baby?

When hubby and I were talking about starting our family, the criteria we had for being ready for a baby were:

(1) Hubby having a job that would support us without my income, as we are planning on my being a stay-at-home mom.
(2) Living somewhere that we are not exposed to second-hand smoke from our neighbors. Preferably a house, as if we move to another apartment there is chance we will land with smoking neighbors again. This is more expensive than our apt. though, so we have to take that into account with #1
(3) Having a 4-door car that would be so much easier than our 2-door for using a carseat. Not as important, but something we definitely thought about.

We started trying to conceive (TTC) with none of these things. Sometimes we had doubts, but as we are ultimately trusting God with our family planning, we believe that when He gives us a child, He will also provide the things we need. We believe it's His will that I be a stay-at-home mom, so we believed He will provide a way. We believe that we should try our best to provide a safe and healthy environment for a baby. We don't necessarily see how we can afford a house, but we believe God will provide the right one in His timing.

I really believe this upcoming cycle of clomid will be special. Tomorrow is my last day of prometrium, then I'm taking the Clomid CDs 4-8.

Last December, we bought (and got a great deal on) a used car that will be perfect for a newly expanding family. If we reach the family size we would like, we'll need a bigger one eventually, but that's a while away.

Just this week, my husband was offered a job (and accepted it!) that will definitely support us, even with a baby. It is more than what I am making now, and really if we are planning on going diaperless a baby shouldn't add that much more to our expenses (I also plan to breastfeed). In fact, when they offered it to him, they offered $0.50 more per hour than they had originally said, so it's basically his first raise! Whenever I do go to being a stay at home wife/mother, I do plan on pursuing different work-at-home things, even if it's just taking a few surveys too or making a few things to sell on Etsy to bring in some bonus income. But if I never do that, we'll still be okay :)

The only thing missing now is a new place to live. If I get pregnant this cycle, we'll have about 9 months to find something. And I really believe God will provide. Whether it's our neighbors moving out, or blessing us with a perfect little house to raise a baby in for a few years, our baby will be raised without being exposed to secondhand smoke.

Everything is falling into place. It makes me so nervous, but so excited, for this cycle! Bring it on!

Sometimes I feel like a bad TTCer

Like today, for instance. Hubby and I were looking at a map of the U.S., and it showed all the different elevations, and I told him I'd love to go hiking for like a month in some of the mountains in the western U.S. sometime. I also tell him at times that I want to go backpacking in Europe, or other various trips. We don't exactly have the resources to do those things at the moment, but once we start our parenting journey it will probably be at least 20 years until we can even start thinking about that stuff again.

I know in my first post I vowed to be a parent in some way, eventually, either by having my own or adoption. But today I told hubby that if we can't have our own, we either need to choose adopting or pursuing all those adventures and trips we probably can't do as parents. Unless we are super financially blessed, there's just no way we'd be able to do that with 3-7 kids (our planned range, with 5 as our ideal).

Yesterday I told my husband...

...that if we ever do get that little baby, I plan on going diaperless. He was a little confused and skeptical at first, but as I explained it to him, he seemed okay about it. He's just happy it would save money :). I was really worried he would think it was one of my weird "hippie" ideas. But like I told him, if it doesn't work out for us, we can always switch to diapers. And for some activities (church, road trips, etc.) I'll have diapers on hand.

I was pretty nervous about telling him. I will really need his support on this, as I know my mom will come to stay for a little while after we have the baby (IF we ever do), and I know she'll think it is weird and won't be afraid to say so. It might be hard to stand my ground on that issue when I'm in that post-partum state. Or even if I have to tell her before the baby actually arrives when she asks if I haven't stockpiled and stuff. I guess I just have to cross that bridge when I come to it :/

Friday, July 8, 2011

I am so stinkin' blessed!

I can't believe how terrified I was of my doctor's appointment today! I was genuinely stressed about everything, and the worst thing that happened was them taking some blood, which was for a good cause -- totally worth it!!!

I didn't have to fight/argue with or convince the doctor at all! She was on the same page as me :) She agreed I am doing the right thing in trying to move forward with trying to conceive at this point, despite my age (21). I was worried she would tell me I was young and not to worry about it at the moment. She didn't make a big deal about my weight either. I am overweight (but not obese) and previous doctors have always made that such an issue. She prescribed me something to get a new cycle kickstarted, and clomid to try to make me ovulate! She took bloodwork today to test my thyroid and prolactin, and I'll have to do cycle day 21 bloodwork as well when I get to that point. I'm so stinkin excited and ready for this!!! :]

More on the weight issue --- I've been trying to lose weight since January. I've been going up and down because of stressfull events like death in the family, or out of the ordinary things that cause changes in my eating habits, like road trips or visitors to our house. I'm down about 10lbs overall though. I really fell off the bandwagon about two weeks ago, and gained about 6 lbs back in that period... but for this next month while we earnestly trying to conceive I'm going to try to be very good about eating, and exercise! I hate exercise... ;)

Thursday, July 7, 2011

One day until...

My doctor's appointment. One day until I find out if I'm going to get any medical help for my abnormal body. Can't wait!

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

The reason for this blog

Beginning is the hardest part. Beginning this post, which is the beginning of this blog, and that, in turn, is the beginning of this journey. Taking that first step down a path with an uncertain destination, but knowing if you never begin the certainties that await you are undesirable at best. In this case, the beginning is admitting to myself that I need help as far as my reproductive system goes. Admitting that all the self-research and self-medicating is not moving me forward. Admitting that all I've done so far is obsess over what I feel I should able to accomplish alone.

My walk as a Christian is shaky and inconsistent, but I am trying to change my habits to reflect a Godly relationship with my Saviour. In that, I'm having to take that first step, that leap of faith and stop relying on what I can do for myself as far as my fertility goes. It's not in my hands. Does that mean I won't go to a doctor and try to get medical help? No. I truly believe that God gave humans the intelligence to discover how His creation functions. But even going to a doctor is a leap of faith for me. Starting this journal is another. Both are part of a greater acknowledgement of my own imperfections, and discovering how to be content in all things.

I think I have always know that I would struggle with having children. I always wanted to adopt, and even before my body physically matured, I asked my mom if she would surrogate for me if I was never able to have my own kids. Maybe that is a normal question for a little girl, but now it only strikes me as odd.

Once I hit puberty, my fears heightened. You see, there's a cycle that a woman's body has to go through in order to be able to reproduce. Mine doesn't really do it. Sure, every once in a while, when it feels like it, usually at the most inconvenient times for me (first day at a new job anyone?). But for the most part, my body has never worked the way most people's does. I don't even get sick the same way most people to. I feel like I'm always part of the 0.00001% of the population that will get the same virus as everyone else but it manifests in the most obscure ways. Anyway, I'm headed to a new doctor on Friday to get all checked out. Again. I'm hoping that she will take me seriously. The last doctor I had been going to (over a year ago) was pretty awful. For example: they recorded my blood pressure when they didn't even take it. So why should I trust them with my uterus???

All that being said, I am holding onto the promise of Psalm 113:9. I believe that I will one day be the joyful mother of children. And it may be through adoption instead of through more natural means. I'm perfectly fine with that. If my husband and I were a little older (most countries have age requirements) I would possibly pursue that and forget all this medical junk. I think one day my husband and I will pursue adoption regardless of whether we have biological children or not. While this journey has an uncertain destination, I highly prefer it to the certainty of relying solely on myself.

But, until then, I'm just the barren woman.