Sunday, December 18, 2011

It's almost Christmas!

And I just can't wait! Haha just kidding. I really do love Christmas time, but with DH and I moving the week after I haven't decorated at all, and it's hard to get into the Christmas spirit! I have made tons of Christmas candy to send to people as gifts, so I'm pretty burnt out on that.

AF has come and gone. She came last weekend. If my body was normal I'd be O'ing just around Christmas day, and be able to get some good babydancing in ;). As it is, I'm schedule to O closer to our moving date... but with the stress of moving it might get delayed. Who knows? I'm not temping again until after we move, so I won't know what's going on.

I was really hoping for a Christmas BFP, but obviously it wasn't in God's plan for us at the moment. Taking a step back this cycle and relaxing is definitely helping me remember that God is in control, and I want to trust Him for His perfect timing for our family. If only I could remember that every day ;)

Merry Merry Christmas!

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

And another month gone...

Goodness. I'm not too good at keeping up with this whole blog thing, am I?

Well since my last post, AF came, and I decided to take a break from the Clomid. DH and I discussed it, and he would really say either way what he wanted me to do. I just couldn't handle the expectation of getting pregnant that the clomid brought with it. Most women who get pregnant from it do so in their first 3 ovulatory months, and I didn't.

We are moving out of state in a month, so preparations for that should distract me a little anyway. There were so many reasons that I chose to drop down to NTNP (with irregular cycles I don't think you can actually try like normal...), but now that I am at CD25 and haven't ovulated yet, I question my decision. If I'd done the clomid, I would be 7-8 dpo already. *sigh*

DH and I had a little chat the other day. I don't think he understands how hard this really is on me. He wants it as much as I do, but since everything is fine with him (as far as we know, he's never been tested) he doesn't feel broken. He doesn't feel incomplete. He doesn't get how or why I get so sad over it without warning. And I do try very hard to overcome those things. If we never have children, I don't want to reach the end of my life and see how unfulfilled and unhappy I was because I was so hung up on this.

DH thinks he can make it all better by telling me about his neighbor who "couldn't" have kids, and then ended up pregnant at 37. 37!!!! I'm not knocking older mom's at all, but I'm only 22 right now. That's 15 years. I don't think I can hope for 15 years. Not that we would ever start preventing, but seriously... I don't even think I can hope for 5 years. I'm just now entering the 2nd half of my 2nd year of trying, and it's torture.

Every day that I am infertile just seems to make it more of a challenge to overcome feelings of jealousy and bitterness. And I do NOT want to become that woman who can't ever be happy for anyone because of her own trials. I think that women who let those feelings consume them are toxic people; they just want to spread their own misery to the rest of the world. But at the same time, I can't deny that those feelings bombard me, some days more than others. Recently, I found out my old lab partner is pregnant. She got married about 2 weeks before me, and went to med school after we graduated. I'm pretty sure at that point she wanted to get through med school before babies happened, but now she's dropped out and is pregnant with a little girl. Before that, I found out another couple is pregnant that last I knew didn't even want children!

I even start feeling panicked because my best friend's little girl (also a surprise baby!) is over 6 months now. I don't know exactly what kind of spacing they want, but I would imagine they will start trying in 2012 sometime. My sister will have been married 1 year in May, and right now that's when she wants to start trying (though her DH would love to start now!). I'm just so afraid that they will get PG before me, and I won't be able to be happy for them. I desperately want to, but I don't know how to get to that point. I mean, I guess I know I'd be happy for them anyway, but I want to not be sad for myself at the same time.

Really though, the only way I will make it through infertility is through God's grace. I don't know why I am the one who has to go on this journey, but I would rather me be the one going through it than any of my family and friends. Just taking it one day at a time for now though...

Tuesday, October 25, 2011


I didn't realize it'd been a month and half since my last post! I knew it'd been a few weeks, but geez... where have I been?

I wasn't ovulating in my 2nd cycle of clomid, and I forced myself to stop blogging/journaling because I starting feeling a "pressure" to get pregnant, to produce results. Silly, I know, but that's how I felt.

Long story short, I did ovulate on CD33 then. I had been drinking grapefruit juice to help with my CM until about CD19, and I'm going to go on the theory that it delayed my ovulation. Apparently grapefruit inhibites the breakdown of estrogen in the liver, and apparently I'm sensitive to that. Very sensitive. It makes sense, because I had an 11 week cycle last winter when I was eating grapefruit nearly every day, and all the cycles before that were closer to 6 weeks. No more grapefruit for me... and I like grapefruit :(

So I started my 3rd cycle of clomid, same dose, same days. Ovulated on CD17! Yay =) We used preseed this cycle, and I used the Equate brand of tussin to help my CM. Ok, actually it wasn't for my CM, it was because I was congested for over over 10 days, but it happened to be around O time and I did notice some EWCM!

This weekend I'm going to give up the thermometer, and we're travelling next week, coming home the day AF is due, maybe the day after. So we'll see how it goes!

Saturday, September 10, 2011

:: An Overdue Update ::

So... CD24 today. No ovulation this time around. This whole medical process of ttc is just getting to be too much. The pressure of "ok well I took these meds, so everything should be working right... why isn't it??" I don't know how much longer I'll be able to do it. I may take a cycle off of the clomid before I start up again. A cycle free of waking up at 5 a.m. every single day just to take my temperature. A cycle that I won't feel guilty about missing my vitamins. Speaking of which, I need to take.

I saw on facebook today that my DH's college roommate's wife (follow that one!) is pregnant with their second. So far, I haven't really had trouble being jealous or sad when others get pregnant. I trust that God has in His perfect timing what He wants for us. But for some reason, seeing that, was just really hard. Their first one was an oops! They weren't even really together by the time she found out I think, or at least by the time she had the baby. He was definitely being an involved father and taking responsibility, and through all that their relationship rekindled, they got married, and are now expecting baby #2. It was really a blessing to see how God worked through them and made their initial mistake into something so beautiful. I'm just ready for it to be my turn!

In other news: One thing that I try to devote a little bit of time to every day is Swagbucks! I've mentioned it before but I figured I'd do so again just in case I have any new readers. I've made about $85 worth of gift cards recently, and I barely put any effort into it! I haven't cashed it all in for those gift cards though (Only cashed in about $45), as I'm waiting to get that bfp, then cash it in for gift cards, with which I'd have about $50 worth of that at the moment because they cost less swagbucks. It may sound kind of confusing, but it's definitely worth checking out! It's not just a U.S. thing, and they have all kinds of prizes you can cash in your swagbucks for... check it out!
Search & Win

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

It's been a week

since my last post. And what an emotional week. Thursday, Aug 18, 2011 -- the day after my last post -- AF showed up. And it was hard. It was really, really hard. Even though I've been trying to grow my faith through all of this, it just seemed like everything came crashing down. By Thursday morning, when AF didn't show, I really began to believe that I could be pregnant. I was 15 days past ovulation. It didn't even show up until late afternoon.

I think I get this idea in my head, that if I can just get to that point in my faith where I am "okay" with God's will, that He will reward me with what I want. Then when I don't get it, I feel let down and struggle with how I even got to that place. That's ridiculous. It's like a kid telling it's parent they will be okay with either cookies or veggies as a snack, and then screaming their head off when they're given broccoli. If I'm trusting God's will for my life, then I have to trust it whether I get triple-chunk brownies or carrot sticks.

Cycles like that scare me though, they really do. I'm CD7 on my next cycle of clomid (100mg, CD4-8). Will I be able to jump in head first again? Will I be able to believe this could be it? I BELIEVED I would get pregnant way before now. I HOPED, and towards the end, BELIEVED that I could actually get pregnant my first cycle of clomid. Will I be able to believe again this cycle? Or will I revert back to being a doubting Thomas, needing to feel the wounds in His hands for my faith to truly begin?

Warning: Pity Party Below

On top of all of it, I feel like I'm being punished somehow by having to have a job. This is ridiculous, I know, but when DH and I got married the plan was for me to work part-time until we had kids, then be a stay at home wife and mother. Instead, DH had back surgery, couldn't find a job, and I got a full-time job. He only got a full time job in August. I beg him to let me quit mine. To let me stay at home. And I guess, overall, if I did it, he couldn't stop me. But I know it IS best that I continue working for a little bit. We would survive on his income much better than we ever survived on mine, but it would be nice to boost our savings for a few more months, put some money away in our retirement fund, and save up for that little baby! :)

But still... I can't help wishing every day that I was at home. I'm really not that great of a worker now, not nearly as good as when I first got here. I've gotten comfortable and lax, and it's just not good. I KNOW I need to be a better worker, but most of the time it seems like I just can't make myself. I sit here and think of my best friend, who's never had a job her entired married life, and is now a stay-at-home wife AND mommy. Even when their money has been tight and they've been dealing with unemployment, I don't think she's ever looked for a job. Her husband doesn't want her to work, and she's okay with that. I also think about my sister, who does have a job, but her husband could care less if she worked or not. If she went home and said "I don't feel like going to work anymore, I'm going to put in my 2 weeks notice," he'd probably say "okay" and that would be the end of that. I feel cheated, and sometimes I feel lied to. Before we got married he said he wanted me to be a SAHW, or at least only work part-time... and here I am putting in my 40 hrs every week. My house is a wreck, I sleep a bunch on the weekends because I'm so exhausted, and by the time I see my friends for a few hours it's time to go back to work!

I really need to stop throwing myself a pity party. This is definitely not the life I dreamt about, but it IS the life I chose when I said "I do" 2 years ago. In some ways, it's harder than I ever thought it would be. But it's also an amazing journey with an amazing man. And if I had to do it all over again, I would still say "I do." I can't wait to spend the rest of our lives together!

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

"One thing have I desired..."

In Psalm 27:4, David wrote:

"One thing have I desired of the Lord, that will I seek after; that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to behold the beauty of the Lord, and to enquire in His temple."

Last night, at my church's revival meeting, the first preacher used that is one of his verses. He was talking about how, when we first enter into a relationship with Christ, it is a need based movement. We NEED a Saviour. We NEED Him to come to our aid, our rescue. But our relationship cannot always be need based; it needs to move towards being a desire based relationship.

For example: When you have a child, that baby is at first so dependent on you. You may have a desire to spend time with that child, but at first the child can only take, and never give anything back. As the child develops, and that relationship is established, a desire builds on the part of the child as well. Even young babies can begin to recognize their mothers, and smile and coo because they are happy to see them. Children will always need something from their parents, but really, as the children become independent adults, they spend time with their parents because they want to (for the most part... some people never stop leeching off of their parents).

It's a very natural process to go from a need based to a desire based relationship. But so often Christians, including myself, get stuck in the need based part of our relationship with God. Every time we talk to Him, we are asking Him for more and more things. "God, my husband needs a job," "Please provide a new place for us to live," "More than anything, Lord, I want a baby." There are the kinds of things that have come out of my heart recently. After 18 years of being a child of God, I feel like I've never moved past the infant stage. Recently, I've been yearning so much to find a way to go home. I haven't been there in almost 2 years. There is so much desire there. I don't NEED to go home, but I deeply long for it.

I want to be like the Psalmist. I want to deeply desire God's presence, not just what presents I think He should give me! He's not a genie in a bottle, and He's not Santa Claus.

I go for a doctor's appointment in less than an hour. I know that no matter the outcome, if AF comes today or tomorrow or not for another 9 months, God will be with me. I will see His presence and His will, not my own.

Monday, August 15, 2011

2 years ago today...

DH and I got hitched! :)

I was really hoping for a BFP today, it would have been a fabulous anniversary gift. But it was a BFN when I tested this morning. Cervix is medium/low and soft... still don't have the open/closed thing figured out.

I'm ok with the BFN. I realize there is still time, but I haven't felt like this will be my month the entire TWW. Going to the doctor on Wednesday to see where we go from here!

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

So I'm not so good at keeping this whole blog thing updated. The only time I really have to update is while I'm at work, and technically I should be working at the time... right? ;)

According to my chart, I am now 7dpo. I got my blood drawn 2 days ago, at 5dpo. Mind you that fertilityfriend first said my ovulation day was CD15, then CD16, then CD17. So any of those are really a possibility. I do expect a positive outcome on the bloodwork though (at least confirmation of ovulation -- whether the levels themselves are normal or low, I have no clue). Since I am charting basal body temperature, I am 100% sure that I ovulated.

I go back on Wednesday, the 17th to talk to my doctor about the results, and also get my annual "well woman" exam. Yuck. I plan on testing on the 15th (12dpo) as it's our 2nd wedding anniversary, and it'd be a great surprise! :) So I'm hoping I go on the 17th with a bfp :). I have no clue how long my luteal phase is though, so I don't know what day is considered "late" for me. My only other cycle that I ovulated on had either a 5 or 8 day LP (ff says 5), which is way too short to get pregnant. I have been taking a B50 complex for about 5 months though now, so I'm hoping it helped my luteal phase.

Good grief I am so long winded!

Thursday, August 4, 2011

I have a confession... when I've been using the ovulation predictor tests, I haven't been waiting the recommended time limit before reading them. You're supposed to wait 5 minutes, but usually I wait a max of about 2 (sometimes less!), look at it, and the control line is SOOO much darker than the test line, I just figure there's no way it could be positive, and throw it out. Well, last night, around 7 p.m., I took one, and waited the full 5 minutes. It was ALMOST positive! I'm pretty sure I was catching my surge on the way back down though, as this morning my temp was up. shows me ovulating on CD15 based on my temps, but I think it was actually CD17. Mostly because on CD15 and CD16, there is not a significant rise, and we usually use 2 fans but one was broken those nights. Actually it was broken last night too, but I would consider my temp today a more significant rise. Oh well, I won't know for sure until a few more mornings of temping, and my bloodwork on Monday should confirm it if I really ovulate... but I'm feeling really positive about it!

Speaking of being positive about things, yesterday I was listening to KLOVE radio. Lysa TerKeurst from Proverbs 31 Ministries ( was talking about how children always seem to want what they want, when and how they want it. And sometimes that isn't what's best for them. We do the same thing with God. We get in our head that we want something NOW, and forget to wait on His perfect timing. It really made me think about stuff, because I think that's what I've been like with this pregnancy thing. Even with the clomid. I'm seriously like "we NEED to get pregnant THIS month", because after that I don't know how we're going to get any kind of insurance to pay for anything. But if I'm trusting God to provide, then if He gives us a child/children, I know He will cover the expenses in some way. I need to trust His timing, instead of relying on my limited experience and thought processes and obsess over my own desires.

Tuesday, August 2, 2011


I've been pretty down in the dumps the last couple of days. Today is CD16, and no sign of ovulation yet. My temp was up a little bit this morning, but one of our fans stopped working last night so I think it is due to that. I did spot a little bit of EWCM this morning when I checked my cervix, but then later when I checked I just got watery CM. And that's kind of how the last couple of days have been. I'll have signs of ovulation, like a high cervix (yesterday it was softer too...), or very mild cramping feelings, but no temp confirmation, and nothing close to a positive OPT. I was really starting to get stressed about it, but then I would feel guilty because the stress might delay ovulation and it might just be a vicious cycle. That would stress me out more. Lol.

This morning though, as I was checking my cervix, I realized that I should be focusing on the postives. Here are some ways in which I have been blessed:

I may not ovulate this month, but I am taking steps towards pregnancy and focusing on fixing my fertility issues.
I have the resources to move forward with things. And when I don't, God provides. Yesterday I found out that the hospital wrote off the $700+ bill for my first round of bloodwork. I go on the 8th for more, and they will cover that as well.
We (DH and I) are now a two full-income family. That is not our long-term plan, but it is a blessing right now as we can save more money in preparation for our plans for a family. Sometimes though, I need a reminder that my job is a blessing ;)
I am alive in the 21st century. 100 years ago, I wouldn't have nearly as many options to deal with my infertility. Now, more than ever, infertile women have increased chances of carrying their own child to term.
Not only am I alive in the 21st century, but I am in a highly devoloped country. I have access to good medical care, good nutrition, clean water, and as much information as I can absorb as I pursue a healthy pregancy.
I've never had a miscarriage that I know of. This may change one day, and if it does, I pray I can see God's plan and purpose in it. But for now, I am blessed to have never gone through that pain. Not being able to get pregnant is a struggle in and of itself. If I knew I could GET pregnant, but was struggling to carry a child to full term it would be that much harder.

This is just a short list of blessings. I'm blessed in so many more ways... more than I can count. But in learning to be content, I need to focus on what I have been blessed with instead of taking it for granted and always wanting more!

Friday, July 29, 2011


And hoping ovulation comes soon! I checked my cervix position yesterday and today and both times it seemed way up there, but also hard, not soft. So I dunno what that really means. Kinda water CM for now.

I've been temping but no ovulation yet. It's still pretty early though to ovulate. Why does time seem to fly so quickly in some ways, but drag on in others? It seems like ovulation and stuff will NEVER happen... but soon I know it will be over and then the TWW begins... Eeek!

Not too much to update. I've never been one to have many symptoms of anything, except for moodiness. Then I just go eat more chocolate :)

P.S. have you done your web search today and won some swagbucks? I've redeemed $25 so far in Swagbucks, and have almost another $40 in my account! If this is my month, that's all going towards baby stuff!!

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Deep thoughts lately...

Last weekend, the dear husband and I travelled over 10 hrs (each way) to go to a friend's wedding. I happened to have family in the area, so we went a few days early so we could get a chance to see everyone and catch up. We stayed with one of my uncles. He is not related to me by blood, but by marriage. But my aunt passed away this past spring. We were supposed to be staying with BOTH of them :/

Anyway, they were never able to have children. Actually, that is one of the reasons I am afraid I will never bear my own children, as I was related by blood to my aunt, and she had hyperplasia and other problems that contributed to her infertility. They tried to adopt several times, but it always fell through. For whatever reason, it was not in God's plan for them to have kids.

Being at their house, and reflecting on their life together... they were so content. I am sure there were times when the infertility/children issue became a very stressful thing for them, but at least later in their life they seemed content with the blessings they had. They didn't even have any pets as children (as many people do), and basically just decided to love on all of their nieces and nephews as if they were their own.

Thinking about all of this brought me to a place of reflection in my own life. I do think that God has given my husband and I a desire for children, and that He will give them to us one day, whether by adoption or birth. But my aunt and uncle probably thought the same thing at one point.

Will I be content if I never get pregnant? If we never adopt? If I never have the pitter patter of little feet and melody of childish giggles in my home? I think I need to be in that place of contentment. It's not that I'm resigning myself to it or anything, but I really feel that I need to be content with where I am and what I have NOW, instead of being so obsessed with where I want to be, and what I want to have. If clomid works extra well, and I end up with multiples, I should be content. If I end up with one, I should be content. If it doesn't work at all, and I am barren for another length of time, I should be content.

This doesn't mean I'm going to stop trying or stop blogging about it. I just think it's important that I learn to count the blessings that I have, and be content no matter where God leads us.

It feels like forever...

...since I last posted. It was just one week ago, and I HAVE updated my journal on periodically since then. I just haven't felt like I had the time for a full-scale update. Well that, and I didn't have internet access for basically 5 days because of travelling.

I did end up counting Monday as CD1, and starting the clomiphene on Thursday night. Last night (Monday, 7/25/11) was my last day of it. So here starts the waiting game for ovulation. I have tried a couple of opks already just to get used to what they look like and stuff.

I didn't have any noticeable sympoms from the clomiphene, except maybe a little **cough** dryness **cough**. It was kind of surprising to not have any symptoms, but very welcome. I'm just hoping it still works!

P.S. If we conceived this cycle, my due date would be April 23, 2012. Crazy.

P.P.S. Remember a few posts ago I wrote about Swagbucks? It really is an easy and great way to earn some extra cash for anything! [Baby stuff?? :)] I've earned about $55 worth so far! Just click here to sign up, and start searching the web and winning! You can also play games, shop, and more! Most of us goof off a little bit on the computer each day anyway... why not earn cash while you're at it?

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

It all seems very surreal

My basal body temperature was down this morning, an almost sure sign that Aunt Flo has moved in for the week. I'll have to call the doctor's office today to schedule my CD21 bloodwork. I'll start Clomid on Thursday, I guess. I haven't quite decided whether or not yesterday was CD1, but I guess I'll have to make up my mind soon! There is a little bit of a variable of when you can take it anyway, so even if Thursday is really CD3, or Friday is really CD5, I should be okay. I will ask when I call the doctor's office today.

In reference to the title... I just can't believe this is all finally happen. Even if this round of clomid doesn't work, I'm finally taking steps forward to get my body on the right track. I didn't think it would be this easy... but then again, maybe it's just a different kind of hard.

Monday, July 18, 2011

I wish I may, I wish I might...

Get a visit from Aunt Flo tonight! Here's to hoping :)

I've had a few signs throughout the day that she is on her way... going to go drink some parsley tea to try to help kick start it! I really want a strong start so I can pinpoint when CD1 is. I tried parsley tea a few weeks ago (before the progesterone), but it didn't work then. But my mom drank some at the same time and it worked for her! Too bad she was taking it for the other health benefits and was not planning on AF showing up! Hehe

Yay yay yay! Things are moving forward!

The waiting game begins

Well last night I finished up the prometrium, so now I just have to wait for AF to begin so I can move forward with other things. It really is just a waiting game though: Wait for AF, Wait for CD4 to start Clomid, Wait for Ovulation, Wait for CD21 bloodwork, Wait for the results of said bloodwork, Wait for either a Big Fat Positive or for AF to show her not-so-lovely face again. So much waiting, so little patience.

I do think though, that splitting into these little chunks will make it seem faster overall. I mean, the prometrium seemed like it would take forever. Now that I'm done though, 10 days didn't seem that long at all. The largest block of waiting I should have now is about 7 days. I can handle 7 days. I think.

Saturday, July 16, 2011

I mentioned in my last post...

About when I become a stay-at-home wife/mother, I plan on pursuing things to bring in a little extra income for us. I obviously don't have a newborn yet, but hopefully I'd be able to at least spend 15 minutes or so every day to do SOMETHING.

I'm already doing a little bit of something though. It's called Swagbucks. I figured if I start small things now, before I am pregnant, I can bring in income to put towards TTC stuff (like OPKs or supplements) or baby stuff.

A brief overview of how it works, is you do different things to earn Swagbucks. You can do web searches, daily polls, play games, watch Swagbucks TV, and more! Those are the 4 things I do most ;). You then redeem those Swagbucks for prizes. The prize I redeem most is a $5 gift card (450 Swagbucks). They also have gift cards for, and for non-U.S. users :).

Anyway, if you want click on the referral link/picture below to get started and start earning your own Swagbucks! I will win 1 Swagbuck for every 1 that you win on the search engine, up to 1000, if you sign up under me. You can then invite some of your friends to sign up and earn under your referral! What an easy way to save up a little bit of $$$ for this insane journey to becoming a mommy :)

Search & Win

Criteria for a baby?

When hubby and I were talking about starting our family, the criteria we had for being ready for a baby were:

(1) Hubby having a job that would support us without my income, as we are planning on my being a stay-at-home mom.
(2) Living somewhere that we are not exposed to second-hand smoke from our neighbors. Preferably a house, as if we move to another apartment there is chance we will land with smoking neighbors again. This is more expensive than our apt. though, so we have to take that into account with #1
(3) Having a 4-door car that would be so much easier than our 2-door for using a carseat. Not as important, but something we definitely thought about.

We started trying to conceive (TTC) with none of these things. Sometimes we had doubts, but as we are ultimately trusting God with our family planning, we believe that when He gives us a child, He will also provide the things we need. We believe it's His will that I be a stay-at-home mom, so we believed He will provide a way. We believe that we should try our best to provide a safe and healthy environment for a baby. We don't necessarily see how we can afford a house, but we believe God will provide the right one in His timing.

I really believe this upcoming cycle of clomid will be special. Tomorrow is my last day of prometrium, then I'm taking the Clomid CDs 4-8.

Last December, we bought (and got a great deal on) a used car that will be perfect for a newly expanding family. If we reach the family size we would like, we'll need a bigger one eventually, but that's a while away.

Just this week, my husband was offered a job (and accepted it!) that will definitely support us, even with a baby. It is more than what I am making now, and really if we are planning on going diaperless a baby shouldn't add that much more to our expenses (I also plan to breastfeed). In fact, when they offered it to him, they offered $0.50 more per hour than they had originally said, so it's basically his first raise! Whenever I do go to being a stay at home wife/mother, I do plan on pursuing different work-at-home things, even if it's just taking a few surveys too or making a few things to sell on Etsy to bring in some bonus income. But if I never do that, we'll still be okay :)

The only thing missing now is a new place to live. If I get pregnant this cycle, we'll have about 9 months to find something. And I really believe God will provide. Whether it's our neighbors moving out, or blessing us with a perfect little house to raise a baby in for a few years, our baby will be raised without being exposed to secondhand smoke.

Everything is falling into place. It makes me so nervous, but so excited, for this cycle! Bring it on!

Sometimes I feel like a bad TTCer

Like today, for instance. Hubby and I were looking at a map of the U.S., and it showed all the different elevations, and I told him I'd love to go hiking for like a month in some of the mountains in the western U.S. sometime. I also tell him at times that I want to go backpacking in Europe, or other various trips. We don't exactly have the resources to do those things at the moment, but once we start our parenting journey it will probably be at least 20 years until we can even start thinking about that stuff again.

I know in my first post I vowed to be a parent in some way, eventually, either by having my own or adoption. But today I told hubby that if we can't have our own, we either need to choose adopting or pursuing all those adventures and trips we probably can't do as parents. Unless we are super financially blessed, there's just no way we'd be able to do that with 3-7 kids (our planned range, with 5 as our ideal).

Yesterday I told my husband...

...that if we ever do get that little baby, I plan on going diaperless. He was a little confused and skeptical at first, but as I explained it to him, he seemed okay about it. He's just happy it would save money :). I was really worried he would think it was one of my weird "hippie" ideas. But like I told him, if it doesn't work out for us, we can always switch to diapers. And for some activities (church, road trips, etc.) I'll have diapers on hand.

I was pretty nervous about telling him. I will really need his support on this, as I know my mom will come to stay for a little while after we have the baby (IF we ever do), and I know she'll think it is weird and won't be afraid to say so. It might be hard to stand my ground on that issue when I'm in that post-partum state. Or even if I have to tell her before the baby actually arrives when she asks if I haven't stockpiled and stuff. I guess I just have to cross that bridge when I come to it :/

Friday, July 8, 2011

I am so stinkin' blessed!

I can't believe how terrified I was of my doctor's appointment today! I was genuinely stressed about everything, and the worst thing that happened was them taking some blood, which was for a good cause -- totally worth it!!!

I didn't have to fight/argue with or convince the doctor at all! She was on the same page as me :) She agreed I am doing the right thing in trying to move forward with trying to conceive at this point, despite my age (21). I was worried she would tell me I was young and not to worry about it at the moment. She didn't make a big deal about my weight either. I am overweight (but not obese) and previous doctors have always made that such an issue. She prescribed me something to get a new cycle kickstarted, and clomid to try to make me ovulate! She took bloodwork today to test my thyroid and prolactin, and I'll have to do cycle day 21 bloodwork as well when I get to that point. I'm so stinkin excited and ready for this!!! :]

More on the weight issue --- I've been trying to lose weight since January. I've been going up and down because of stressfull events like death in the family, or out of the ordinary things that cause changes in my eating habits, like road trips or visitors to our house. I'm down about 10lbs overall though. I really fell off the bandwagon about two weeks ago, and gained about 6 lbs back in that period... but for this next month while we earnestly trying to conceive I'm going to try to be very good about eating, and exercise! I hate exercise... ;)

Thursday, July 7, 2011

One day until...

My doctor's appointment. One day until I find out if I'm going to get any medical help for my abnormal body. Can't wait!

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

The reason for this blog

Beginning is the hardest part. Beginning this post, which is the beginning of this blog, and that, in turn, is the beginning of this journey. Taking that first step down a path with an uncertain destination, but knowing if you never begin the certainties that await you are undesirable at best. In this case, the beginning is admitting to myself that I need help as far as my reproductive system goes. Admitting that all the self-research and self-medicating is not moving me forward. Admitting that all I've done so far is obsess over what I feel I should able to accomplish alone.

My walk as a Christian is shaky and inconsistent, but I am trying to change my habits to reflect a Godly relationship with my Saviour. In that, I'm having to take that first step, that leap of faith and stop relying on what I can do for myself as far as my fertility goes. It's not in my hands. Does that mean I won't go to a doctor and try to get medical help? No. I truly believe that God gave humans the intelligence to discover how His creation functions. But even going to a doctor is a leap of faith for me. Starting this journal is another. Both are part of a greater acknowledgement of my own imperfections, and discovering how to be content in all things.

I think I have always know that I would struggle with having children. I always wanted to adopt, and even before my body physically matured, I asked my mom if she would surrogate for me if I was never able to have my own kids. Maybe that is a normal question for a little girl, but now it only strikes me as odd.

Once I hit puberty, my fears heightened. You see, there's a cycle that a woman's body has to go through in order to be able to reproduce. Mine doesn't really do it. Sure, every once in a while, when it feels like it, usually at the most inconvenient times for me (first day at a new job anyone?). But for the most part, my body has never worked the way most people's does. I don't even get sick the same way most people to. I feel like I'm always part of the 0.00001% of the population that will get the same virus as everyone else but it manifests in the most obscure ways. Anyway, I'm headed to a new doctor on Friday to get all checked out. Again. I'm hoping that she will take me seriously. The last doctor I had been going to (over a year ago) was pretty awful. For example: they recorded my blood pressure when they didn't even take it. So why should I trust them with my uterus???

All that being said, I am holding onto the promise of Psalm 113:9. I believe that I will one day be the joyful mother of children. And it may be through adoption instead of through more natural means. I'm perfectly fine with that. If my husband and I were a little older (most countries have age requirements) I would possibly pursue that and forget all this medical junk. I think one day my husband and I will pursue adoption regardless of whether we have biological children or not. While this journey has an uncertain destination, I highly prefer it to the certainty of relying solely on myself.

But, until then, I'm just the barren woman.