Thursday, September 13, 2012

A Joyful Mother =)

Well readers....

After 2 long years....

Sunday I got my BFP
Today I'm 4 weeks and 4 days
My little mudbug is due May 19th
HCG is doubling every 31.6 hrs or so.

If I think I can manage to continue with the blog (I know, I know, I've been terrible at it so far!) I'll most likely end up changing the name.

I just can't believe it's finally my turn to have this blessing!

I've been thanking God for it constantly!

Thursday, June 21, 2012

2 months later...

And 2 failed cycles of clomid later. Well really only one. I ovulated the first cycle, but not the 2nd, so the doctor upped my dose this time back to 100 mg. I'm in the "waiting to O" limbo now.

I can't believe 2012 is already half over. If I got pregnant this month my baby would be due to arrive in March 2013!!! I'm not ready for another year to be over yet.

Monday, April 23, 2012

Well, It's Been a While...

Since my last post:

1) We moved. First to a temporary place, then to a smaller apartment than we were in before. This mean downsizing stuff, which I though was great actually! DH has a hard time letting go though.

2) I had my first yeast infection ever in January. After lots of garlic, yogurt, and finally some monistat so I could just get it over with, I got rid of it. It really put a damper on our sex life though, and we haven't quite got back into our groove.

3) I had a 100+ day cycle. That AF I posted about was my last AF until March 20th. I had finally broke down and made a doctor's appointment for March 19th, and I ovulated on that exact day (not the 19th... the 5th, the day I called for the appointment). Obviously I got a BFN, but we didn't BD much around that time (see the 2nd point).

4) I got $1200-1500 worth of dental work done, and we paid out of pocket. That's what being uninsured gets you!

4) I went back on clomid after the aforementioned doctor's visit. He wanted to do an SA on DH first but I said I needed to wait to get the dental work out of the way first, so we did a round of 50 mg clomid too see if it would work (I was on 100 mg clomid with my old doctor).

5) AF showed up April 20th, 2012, making today CD4. Means round #1(#4 total) failed to get me pregnant. I did, however, ovulate during that cycle and a 5dpo progesterone test showed my progesterone at 16, a good number.

Now I've started the 2nd (5th total) round of clomid as of yesterday. DH still has to get the SA done. I'm going Wednesday to pick up the kit, and we'll go from there. If his SA checks out and I still don't get knocked up this cycle or the next, it's onto an HSG for me. Then 3 more cycles. Then start looking elsewhere.

I've kind of stayed away from this blog merely because I didn't know what to say. I have a TTC journal elsewhere on the web, and it didn't seem like double posting the details would profit me anything. This blog wasn't supposed to be (and ISN'T) about the nitty gritty details. About what day I ovulated, symptom spotting, etc. Not that that stuff won't show up here, but this blog's purpose for me to use it to make sense of it in my head. To come to terms with infertility on an emotional and a spiritual level. And lately, my faith had been waning. I had begun to rely more on myself and the doctors to achieve the status of motherhood, and that goes against everything I believe! More on this to come =)

Sunday, December 18, 2011

It's almost Christmas!

And I just can't wait! Haha just kidding. I really do love Christmas time, but with DH and I moving the week after I haven't decorated at all, and it's hard to get into the Christmas spirit! I have made tons of Christmas candy to send to people as gifts, so I'm pretty burnt out on that.

AF has come and gone. She came last weekend. If my body was normal I'd be O'ing just around Christmas day, and be able to get some good babydancing in ;). As it is, I'm schedule to O closer to our moving date... but with the stress of moving it might get delayed. Who knows? I'm not temping again until after we move, so I won't know what's going on.

I was really hoping for a Christmas BFP, but obviously it wasn't in God's plan for us at the moment. Taking a step back this cycle and relaxing is definitely helping me remember that God is in control, and I want to trust Him for His perfect timing for our family. If only I could remember that every day ;)

Merry Merry Christmas!

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

And another month gone...

Goodness. I'm not too good at keeping up with this whole blog thing, am I?

Well since my last post, AF came, and I decided to take a break from the Clomid. DH and I discussed it, and he would really say either way what he wanted me to do. I just couldn't handle the expectation of getting pregnant that the clomid brought with it. Most women who get pregnant from it do so in their first 3 ovulatory months, and I didn't.

We are moving out of state in a month, so preparations for that should distract me a little anyway. There were so many reasons that I chose to drop down to NTNP (with irregular cycles I don't think you can actually try like normal...), but now that I am at CD25 and haven't ovulated yet, I question my decision. If I'd done the clomid, I would be 7-8 dpo already. *sigh*

DH and I had a little chat the other day. I don't think he understands how hard this really is on me. He wants it as much as I do, but since everything is fine with him (as far as we know, he's never been tested) he doesn't feel broken. He doesn't feel incomplete. He doesn't get how or why I get so sad over it without warning. And I do try very hard to overcome those things. If we never have children, I don't want to reach the end of my life and see how unfulfilled and unhappy I was because I was so hung up on this.

DH thinks he can make it all better by telling me about his neighbor who "couldn't" have kids, and then ended up pregnant at 37. 37!!!! I'm not knocking older mom's at all, but I'm only 22 right now. That's 15 years. I don't think I can hope for 15 years. Not that we would ever start preventing, but seriously... I don't even think I can hope for 5 years. I'm just now entering the 2nd half of my 2nd year of trying, and it's torture.

Every day that I am infertile just seems to make it more of a challenge to overcome feelings of jealousy and bitterness. And I do NOT want to become that woman who can't ever be happy for anyone because of her own trials. I think that women who let those feelings consume them are toxic people; they just want to spread their own misery to the rest of the world. But at the same time, I can't deny that those feelings bombard me, some days more than others. Recently, I found out my old lab partner is pregnant. She got married about 2 weeks before me, and went to med school after we graduated. I'm pretty sure at that point she wanted to get through med school before babies happened, but now she's dropped out and is pregnant with a little girl. Before that, I found out another couple is pregnant that last I knew didn't even want children!

I even start feeling panicked because my best friend's little girl (also a surprise baby!) is over 6 months now. I don't know exactly what kind of spacing they want, but I would imagine they will start trying in 2012 sometime. My sister will have been married 1 year in May, and right now that's when she wants to start trying (though her DH would love to start now!). I'm just so afraid that they will get PG before me, and I won't be able to be happy for them. I desperately want to, but I don't know how to get to that point. I mean, I guess I know I'd be happy for them anyway, but I want to not be sad for myself at the same time.

Really though, the only way I will make it through infertility is through God's grace. I don't know why I am the one who has to go on this journey, but I would rather me be the one going through it than any of my family and friends. Just taking it one day at a time for now though...

Tuesday, October 25, 2011


I didn't realize it'd been a month and half since my last post! I knew it'd been a few weeks, but geez... where have I been?

I wasn't ovulating in my 2nd cycle of clomid, and I forced myself to stop blogging/journaling because I starting feeling a "pressure" to get pregnant, to produce results. Silly, I know, but that's how I felt.

Long story short, I did ovulate on CD33 then. I had been drinking grapefruit juice to help with my CM until about CD19, and I'm going to go on the theory that it delayed my ovulation. Apparently grapefruit inhibites the breakdown of estrogen in the liver, and apparently I'm sensitive to that. Very sensitive. It makes sense, because I had an 11 week cycle last winter when I was eating grapefruit nearly every day, and all the cycles before that were closer to 6 weeks. No more grapefruit for me... and I like grapefruit :(

So I started my 3rd cycle of clomid, same dose, same days. Ovulated on CD17! Yay =) We used preseed this cycle, and I used the Equate brand of tussin to help my CM. Ok, actually it wasn't for my CM, it was because I was congested for over over 10 days, but it happened to be around O time and I did notice some EWCM!

This weekend I'm going to give up the thermometer, and we're travelling next week, coming home the day AF is due, maybe the day after. So we'll see how it goes!

Saturday, September 10, 2011

:: An Overdue Update ::

So... CD24 today. No ovulation this time around. This whole medical process of ttc is just getting to be too much. The pressure of "ok well I took these meds, so everything should be working right... why isn't it??" I don't know how much longer I'll be able to do it. I may take a cycle off of the clomid before I start up again. A cycle free of waking up at 5 a.m. every single day just to take my temperature. A cycle that I won't feel guilty about missing my vitamins. Speaking of which, I need to take.

I saw on facebook today that my DH's college roommate's wife (follow that one!) is pregnant with their second. So far, I haven't really had trouble being jealous or sad when others get pregnant. I trust that God has in His perfect timing what He wants for us. But for some reason, seeing that, was just really hard. Their first one was an oops! They weren't even really together by the time she found out I think, or at least by the time she had the baby. He was definitely being an involved father and taking responsibility, and through all that their relationship rekindled, they got married, and are now expecting baby #2. It was really a blessing to see how God worked through them and made their initial mistake into something so beautiful. I'm just ready for it to be my turn!

In other news: One thing that I try to devote a little bit of time to every day is Swagbucks! I've mentioned it before but I figured I'd do so again just in case I have any new readers. I've made about $85 worth of gift cards recently, and I barely put any effort into it! I haven't cashed it all in for those gift cards though (Only cashed in about $45), as I'm waiting to get that bfp, then cash it in for gift cards, with which I'd have about $50 worth of that at the moment because they cost less swagbucks. It may sound kind of confusing, but it's definitely worth checking out! It's not just a U.S. thing, and they have all kinds of prizes you can cash in your swagbucks for... check it out!
Search & Win

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

It's been a week

since my last post. And what an emotional week. Thursday, Aug 18, 2011 -- the day after my last post -- AF showed up. And it was hard. It was really, really hard. Even though I've been trying to grow my faith through all of this, it just seemed like everything came crashing down. By Thursday morning, when AF didn't show, I really began to believe that I could be pregnant. I was 15 days past ovulation. It didn't even show up until late afternoon.

I think I get this idea in my head, that if I can just get to that point in my faith where I am "okay" with God's will, that He will reward me with what I want. Then when I don't get it, I feel let down and struggle with how I even got to that place. That's ridiculous. It's like a kid telling it's parent they will be okay with either cookies or veggies as a snack, and then screaming their head off when they're given broccoli. If I'm trusting God's will for my life, then I have to trust it whether I get triple-chunk brownies or carrot sticks.

Cycles like that scare me though, they really do. I'm CD7 on my next cycle of clomid (100mg, CD4-8). Will I be able to jump in head first again? Will I be able to believe this could be it? I BELIEVED I would get pregnant way before now. I HOPED, and towards the end, BELIEVED that I could actually get pregnant my first cycle of clomid. Will I be able to believe again this cycle? Or will I revert back to being a doubting Thomas, needing to feel the wounds in His hands for my faith to truly begin?

Warning: Pity Party Below

On top of all of it, I feel like I'm being punished somehow by having to have a job. This is ridiculous, I know, but when DH and I got married the plan was for me to work part-time until we had kids, then be a stay at home wife and mother. Instead, DH had back surgery, couldn't find a job, and I got a full-time job. He only got a full time job in August. I beg him to let me quit mine. To let me stay at home. And I guess, overall, if I did it, he couldn't stop me. But I know it IS best that I continue working for a little bit. We would survive on his income much better than we ever survived on mine, but it would be nice to boost our savings for a few more months, put some money away in our retirement fund, and save up for that little baby! :)

But still... I can't help wishing every day that I was at home. I'm really not that great of a worker now, not nearly as good as when I first got here. I've gotten comfortable and lax, and it's just not good. I KNOW I need to be a better worker, but most of the time it seems like I just can't make myself. I sit here and think of my best friend, who's never had a job her entired married life, and is now a stay-at-home wife AND mommy. Even when their money has been tight and they've been dealing with unemployment, I don't think she's ever looked for a job. Her husband doesn't want her to work, and she's okay with that. I also think about my sister, who does have a job, but her husband could care less if she worked or not. If she went home and said "I don't feel like going to work anymore, I'm going to put in my 2 weeks notice," he'd probably say "okay" and that would be the end of that. I feel cheated, and sometimes I feel lied to. Before we got married he said he wanted me to be a SAHW, or at least only work part-time... and here I am putting in my 40 hrs every week. My house is a wreck, I sleep a bunch on the weekends because I'm so exhausted, and by the time I see my friends for a few hours it's time to go back to work!

I really need to stop throwing myself a pity party. This is definitely not the life I dreamt about, but it IS the life I chose when I said "I do" 2 years ago. In some ways, it's harder than I ever thought it would be. But it's also an amazing journey with an amazing man. And if I had to do it all over again, I would still say "I do." I can't wait to spend the rest of our lives together!

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

"One thing have I desired..."

In Psalm 27:4, David wrote:

"One thing have I desired of the Lord, that will I seek after; that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to behold the beauty of the Lord, and to enquire in His temple."

Last night, at my church's revival meeting, the first preacher used that is one of his verses. He was talking about how, when we first enter into a relationship with Christ, it is a need based movement. We NEED a Saviour. We NEED Him to come to our aid, our rescue. But our relationship cannot always be need based; it needs to move towards being a desire based relationship.

For example: When you have a child, that baby is at first so dependent on you. You may have a desire to spend time with that child, but at first the child can only take, and never give anything back. As the child develops, and that relationship is established, a desire builds on the part of the child as well. Even young babies can begin to recognize their mothers, and smile and coo because they are happy to see them. Children will always need something from their parents, but really, as the children become independent adults, they spend time with their parents because they want to (for the most part... some people never stop leeching off of their parents).

It's a very natural process to go from a need based to a desire based relationship. But so often Christians, including myself, get stuck in the need based part of our relationship with God. Every time we talk to Him, we are asking Him for more and more things. "God, my husband needs a job," "Please provide a new place for us to live," "More than anything, Lord, I want a baby." There are the kinds of things that have come out of my heart recently. After 18 years of being a child of God, I feel like I've never moved past the infant stage. Recently, I've been yearning so much to find a way to go home. I haven't been there in almost 2 years. There is so much desire there. I don't NEED to go home, but I deeply long for it.

I want to be like the Psalmist. I want to deeply desire God's presence, not just what presents I think He should give me! He's not a genie in a bottle, and He's not Santa Claus.

I go for a doctor's appointment in less than an hour. I know that no matter the outcome, if AF comes today or tomorrow or not for another 9 months, God will be with me. I will see His presence and His will, not my own.

Monday, August 15, 2011

2 years ago today...

DH and I got hitched! :)

I was really hoping for a BFP today, it would have been a fabulous anniversary gift. But it was a BFN when I tested this morning. Cervix is medium/low and soft... still don't have the open/closed thing figured out.

I'm ok with the BFN. I realize there is still time, but I haven't felt like this will be my month the entire TWW. Going to the doctor on Wednesday to see where we go from here!